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The art of playing chess…

…or in german joked “Pausenaugust-Schach”. Roughly translated to: How to
play chess and build up constellations on the chessboard while knowing the
AI already being f***ed up! In this case, my goal was to embrace the king with
queens and checkmate the AI (8 queens at least needed…) and it IS difficult!

Why, you ask? Because it ain’t easy to bring all your pawns to the other side, align the queens and have the AI not to stalemate himself. I had to play 12 games to have that completed…

The result however is funny to look at and makes me laugh at the AI AND the newly created german description “Pausenaugust-Schach”.

While the first 3-5 queens are easily to perform, each additional queen becomes
a challenge to not stalemate the AI. Especially when you have knights and rooks
on the chessboard. The thing gets easier when you don’t loose the knights that
protect the AI from being boned by the king-surrounding queens. You can see them
as a protection shield… One rook also was a bit of protecting issue so the black
king was able to move a tiny bit, yet the fields of movement were rather mediocre.
Difficulty: ★★★★☆

Finally I had all 9 queens together, only lost one bishop and the game was ready for being finished. So I moved the last queen from c8 to c6 – knowing that the queen IS protected and boned the AI. Not easy at all yet now much more to laugh at the AI being checkmated this way… and for all who want to see, where the black king can go, the same as above with colored fields that indicate a check situation.

Covering 58 of 64 fields should give you an idea how difficult it can get to keep the AI alive and plot your masterplan such as the one I did in this game ;)

I also like the way HOW I set him checkmate: The classical “Kiss me, I married!“-Move where the queen wants to smooch with the black king… MUAHAHAHA!

Red means: No way, man! -> Check
Green means: Good, boy! -> OK!
Pink means: You’re f**ked, man! -> Checkmate!

So… what else is possible? Well, as you have two of kings, rooks and bishops at the beginning, my Goal was to get 10 of ’em at the end. This is more challenging as you have to pick on the queen to clear the AI’s figurines and then bring your pawns to the other end, convert them to the figurines you want to make ten of. And to make it more spicy, you have to think about the stalemate thingy much more as each of the other figurines have other areas they cover. Having a queen additionally will even worsen things, so if you’re going to achieve your goal, don’t be disappointed if it takes you ten rounds or more…

 

However I managed to solve these even more dazzling Challenges:

Make ’em 10 – Rook

Getting 10 Rooks is rather easy as they have a predictible range.
Difficulty: ★☆☆☆☆

 

Make ’em 10 – Knight

10 Knights to achieve is rather difficult because of the Knights’ Range.
You often run into stalemate as you loose the overview.
Difficulty: ★★★★☆

 

Make ’em 10 – Bishop

This constellation is real pesky to achieve.
You have to be real careful not to stalemate the AI
Difficulty: ★★★★★

And 10 bishops to achieve is REALLY difficult! Needed about 20 rounds until the result came up! The AI seems to pick on your pawns AND bishops first no matter if it looses it’s queen then!

 

Thou shalt have three of ’em

20111004-105715.jpgInteresting constellation having three of all major pieces.
Although it’s quite a piece of cake to bone the AI with three queens – MUAHAHA!
Difficulty: ★★★☆☆

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Smoochie!

Have a Queen next to him knock him out.

20111004-120751.jpg
Another interesting goal: Take all his figurines without loosing one yourself.
Ever seen an AI so naked? Me neither! Not that easy to achieve!
Difficulty: ★★★★☆

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Deluxe Edition

Have 9 queens!

20111004-124002.jpg
THE ultimative goal: Take all his figurines without loosing one yourself.
BUT as additional task: HAVE 9 QUEENS!
Difficulty: ★★★★★+★ (for not stalemating him with SO many figurines)

So all in all I even achieved the ultimate goals even if my bishops weren’t so nicely shaped like a donut around the king like with the knights and the rooks! but having 6 white and 4 black bishops make it even harder without stalemating the AI again!

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Domination

Leave him no square to hop to from far, faaaar away…

20111005-160234.jpg
Goal: Have all 64 squares under your control.
Difficulty: ★★☆☆☆

Mmmmm… I love to have control over EVERYTHING!
I think, the AI doesn’t find that too amusing anyways!
All in all, it’s like the 10-Rooks game but a bit more difficult.

Currently I am laughing my a*s off when reviewing this post but it’s too funny not to laugh! MUAHAHAHAHA!

I think if the AI was Kasparov, it would kill itself I suppose…

Okay… here’s an even trickier task: Align the 8 converted paws into one line and checkmate the AI – and to garnish it with even more difficulty – don’t loose a piece at all! – An ultimate challenge requiring an even more ultimate dumb AI:

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Wall-E

Rooks – In a row!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Rooks in a row.

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★☆☆☆
Difficulty checkmating: ★★☆☆☆
Difficulty stalemating: ★★☆☆☆

Easy to achieve, just make sure that you leave the AI a spot to move before you return your knight to it’s origin position!

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Knight Rider

Knights – In a row, then Checkmate!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Knights in a row.

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★☆☆
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★☆☆
Difficulty stalemating: ★☆☆☆☆

An easy task to fulfill however checkmating him can become tricky. But with the help of two rooks you beat him up fast.
Make sure you keep your Knights safe and sound as they can become an easy bait for the AI!

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Damnation

Bishops – In a row, then Checkmate!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Bishops in a row.

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★☆
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★☆
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★☆

Needless to say that you can stalemate the AI easily but also to see that checkmating him using bishops only is also very difficult as one false move might end up in a stalemate again

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Queens’ Dreams

Queens – In a row!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Queens in a row.

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★☆☆☆
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★+★

Probably one of the most difficult tasks and you MUST use two knights in the constellation shown above, otherwise you WILL end up stalemating or even checkmating the AI before you have assembled the final picture.

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
The Perfectionist

Queens – Perfect picture – all pieces back to their origin!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Queens in a row AND all pieces reverted to their origin position-

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★☆☆☆
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★+★★★

THE most difficult task and you MUST use two knights in the constellation shown above, otherwise you WILL end up stalemating or even checkmating the AI before you have assembled the final picture PLUS you need to have the king in the topmost row in order to move your knights back to their origin position.

First I thought it’s impossible but it can be done if you think over your next moves thoroughly!

Achieving this is the ULTIMATE goal in art chess playing and when you can reach this you can definitely say:

AI PWNED!

Ahhh me… I couldn’t resist in doing some more weird stuff with Rooks and Queens.

This time: Let the AI die on a twisted and mirrored board. Twisted means: All pieces on the right side. Like with the above set-up but the board twisted 90 degrees counterclockwise…

I DID manage to beat the AI that way but this took a LOT of tries and LOTS of swearing as the
AI often managed to “stale” himself out of the game and me back to the mental drawing board…

So if you think, the abobe is no brain teaser for you, try to achieve the following achievements! Good luck!

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Wall-E Twisted

Rooks – Wall him in 90 degrees counterclockwise turned constellation!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Rooks in a row and all this with the constellation turned 90 degrees counterclockwise!

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★★
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★

Difficult to achieve, the AI needs to make the right (false) moves so that you can get all his important pieces that make your life difficult! More difficult is to lure him to the left so that you have enough space to waste him that way

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Wall-E Twisted Lefty

Rooks – Wall him in 90 degrees clockwise turned constellation!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Rooks in a row and all this with the constellation turned 90 degrees clockwise!

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★★+★
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★+★

Difficult to achieve, the AI needs to make the right (false) moves so that you can get all his important pieces that make your life difficult! More difficult is to lure him to the right so that you have enough space to waste him that way.

Funny enough I was able to perform this constellation faster than with the Queens. However I ended up in many, MANY stalemates while h was stalking my pawns. In the end I made him “sit down!” in the right lower corner where I finally wasted him. Serves him right for stalemating so often or stalking my pawns! HAHA!

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Wall-E Weird

Rooks – Wall him in using the AI’s side… WICKED!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Rooks in a row and this constellation using the AI’s side!

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★★+★
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★+★★

Difficult to achieve, the AI needs to make the right (false) moves so that you can get all his important pieces that make your life difficult! What makes it really hard is that you maust play switcheroo with him and make him use your side while you need to think upside down… pretty ghastly to achieve! Needed quite some tries to reach that goal!

The following constellations are really boggling your mind when it comes to Queens. But hey… we DO need some challenge, don’t we?

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Queens Dreams Twisted

Queens – Wall him in 90 degrees counterclockwise turned constellation!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Queens in a row and this constellation turned 90 degrees countercloclwise!

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★★+★★★★
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★+★★★★

Difficult to achieve, the AI needs to make the right (false) moves so that you can get all his important pieces that make your life difficult! More difficult is to lure him to the left so that you have enough space to waste him that way and avoiding him to be in stalemate which can happen quite too often…

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Queens Dreams Twisted Lefty

Queens – Wall him in 90 degrees clockwise turned constellation!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Queens in a row and this constellation turned 90 degrees cloclwise!

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★★+★★★★
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★+★★★★

Difficult to achieve, the AI needs to make the right (false) moves so that you can get all his important pieces that make your life difficult! More difficult is to lure him to the right so that you have enough space to waste him that way and avoiding him to be in stalemate which can happen quite too often…

Interestingly the AI is harder to be kept from stalemating or even being prematurely checkmated when aligning all pieces to the left. Took me a whopping 11 minutes to perform this!

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
Queens Dreams Weird

Queens – Wall him in using the AI’s side… Very WICKED!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Queens in a row and all this constellation using the AI’s side!

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★★★…∞-1
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★★+★★★★★…∞-1
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★★+★★★★★…∞-1

Difficult to achieve, the AI needs to make the right (false) moves so that you can get all his important pieces that make your life difficult! What makes it really hard is that you maust play switcheroo with him and make him use your side while you need to think upside down… pretty ghastly to achieve! Oh… and did I mention that the AI tricked me into stalemate? SEVERAL times? Multiple tries ended up trying to move my horsies back to their origin position and forgot about the fact that the AI was standing in a position that cries for “STALEMATE, FUCKHEAD!”

If you have a short temper, you’d better not try this to replay. I take no warranty for any broken phones herein! You have been warned. This could even lead you to a nice quiet room at the funnyfarm!

Oh… one more thing…

The normal piece constellations to reach is boring? Why not time-challenge yourself a little bit. I managed to achieve the following in under 2 minutes but this needs the AI to be extraordinary stupid in moving (i.e. loosing the queen and other main pieces quite fast!)

Make him sh*t his pants!
The Speed-Waller

Rooks – Wall him in in under 2 minutes!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Rooks in a row and all this in under 2 minutes!

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★☆☆
Difficulty stalemating: ★★☆☆☆

Difficult to achieve, the AI needs to make the right (false) moves so that you can get all his important pieces that make your life difficult!

 

Make him sh*t his pants!
The Speed-Lover

Queens – Wall him in in under 2 minutes!

Goal: Have all 16 pieces and all pawns converted to Queens in a row and all this in under 2 minutes.

Difficulty achieving goal: ★★★★★+★★★★★
Difficulty checkmating: ★★★★★+★★★★★
Difficulty stalemating: ★★★★+★★★★★

AI PWNED radically and blazing-fast!

THE ultimative goal when it comes to perfect chess against a really stupid AI! In this case this was just luck that the AI wasted all his important pieces on me while I was able to convert all Pawns into Queens without stalemating or even checkmating him before the perfect picture is reached.

THIS, ladies and gentlemen is the right six numbers in chess lotto!

Oh and if you ask why I didn’t do a speed chess with 8 knights or bishops… well… I guess it’s just impossible to checkmate him that fast with these two types of pieces. If you paid attention to the entries above you may have noticed that checkmating him with knights took 3 and a half minutes already and THAT was a lucky shot!

And with bishops it took me a whopping 8 and a half minutes to beat the hell out of him. So NO, I am NOT going to try it at any rate ;)

Oh… I have been asked which CHess App I am using for this. It’s the Chess from Optime Software LLC which is quite weak in low settings but once you go for higher difficulty, it’s almost unbeatable. So it covers a wide range of difficulties for beginners (ELO 900-1200) up to Pros (1600-2100). However I think that even this Chess app will loose against world championship players with an ELO of 2700 and more. Current World champion is Magnus Carlsen with an astounding ELO of 2882/2919/2986 (Normal/Rapid/Blitz) all-time-high according to the FIDE homepage (see his ranking here). Just as a side note… ;)

And mine? Well… best I reached plaing online was 1734… but then stopped playing it as it would require constant playing.


June 29, 2018 Netspark - 1472 posts - Member since: May 9th, 2011 No Comments »

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